Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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