Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
