highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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