Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize