i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize