Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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