I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
