his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
