note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
