'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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