my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
