i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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