i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
