I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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