Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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