i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
