I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize