Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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