I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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