How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
