a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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