I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He did a backflip because drugs
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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