Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
