Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
