Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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