How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
