I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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