I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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