No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
