Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
