So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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