Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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