he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize