I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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