Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
