I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He passed out mid-signature
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
