the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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