I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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