I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
