OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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