cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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