you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
