Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
