Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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