If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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