I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
