I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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