i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
