I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
