textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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