I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
