dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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