His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
