Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
