Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We need to get me chipped asap
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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