Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
