textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
50% drunk capacity currently
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
