Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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