I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
