What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
