I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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