You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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