"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
