i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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