Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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