When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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