WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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