I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
