I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
