Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
